Divorce Without Court A Guide to Mediation and Collaborative Divorce by Attorney-Mediator Katherine E. Stoner 1st edition Nolo’s Legal Updater We’ll send you an email whenever a new edition of this book is published! Sign up at www.nolo.com/legalupdater. Updates @ Nolo.com Check www.nolo.com/update to fi nd recent changes in the law that aff ect the current edition of your book. Nolo Customer Service To make sure that this edition of the book is the most recent one, call us at 800-728-3555 and ask one of our friendly customer service representatives. Or fi nd out at www.nolo.com. e law changes, but Nolo is on top of it! We off er several ways to make sure you and your Nolo products are up to date: always up to date 2 1 3 We believe accurate, plain-English legal information should help you solve many of your own legal problems. But this text is not a substitute for personalized advice from a knowledgeable lawyer. If you want the help of a trained professional—and we’ll always point out situations in which we think that’s a good idea—consult an attorney licensed to practice in your state. please note Divorce Without Court A Guide to Mediation and Collaborative Divorce by Attorney-Mediator Katherine E. Stoner 1st edition First Edition MAY 2006 Editor EMILY DOSKOW Illustration SUSAN PUTNEY Proofreading ROBERT WELLS Index THÉRÈSE SHERE Printing CONSOLIDATED PRINTERS, INC. Stoner, Katherine E., 1947- Divorce without court : a guide to mediation and collaborative divorce / by Katherine E. Stoner ; edited by Emily Doskow 1st ed. p. cm. ISBN 1-4133-0494-X (alk. paper) 1. Divorce mediation United States Popular works. 2. Divorce settlements United States Popular works. I. Doskow, Emily. II. Title. KF535.Z9S76 2006 346.7301’66 dc22 2006040027 Copyright © 1999, 2004 and 2006 by Katherine E. Stoner. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Printed in the U.S.A. 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Acknowledgments Thanks to everyone who helped make the original version of this book, Using Divorce Mediation, a reality, especially Martina Reaves, mediator and friend extraordinaire, and Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein, colleagues and mentors at the Center for Media - tion in Law. Thanks also to Steve Elias and Robin Leonard, editors of the first edition, and to Emily Doskow, who edited the second edition. My continuing gratitude to the following people who generously took the time to critique drafts of various chapters: Dana Curtis, Mary Duryee, Catherine Jermany Elias, Judith Joshel, Patricia McDermott, Kristin Orliss, Maude Pervere, Tony Roffers, and Susan Walker. Special thanks to the folks at Nolo who played a part in making the book look so great, from layout to cover art and graphics (especially the divorce game board—a pic - ture really is worth a thousand words). I am forever indebted to Emily Doskow, Nolo editor, for her role in the transforma - tion of the original book to what is found in these pages, for listening to my half-baked ideas, for superb editing, and for keeping me on track—and on time. Last, but never least, thanks to my partner Michelle Welsh, to Joseph and Christina, and to the rest of my friends and family for their support and encouragement. Dedication To my clients, whose courage and commitment to the possibility of resolution have taught me so much. Table of Contents I Introduction Why Mediate or Collaborate? Consider the Alternative 2 Divorce Decision Continuum 5 Why Mediation or Collaboration Can Be Your Best Option 6 Getting the Most out of This Book 7 Definitions 8 Icons 10 1 The Role of Mediation and Collaborative Law in the Divorce Process The Four Divorces 13 Keeping It Simple: The Uncontested Divorce 21 Beyond the Basics: The Contested Divorce 22 Long-Term Effects of a Contested Legal Divorce 31 Mediation and Collaboration: A Different Way to Divorce 31 2 What Happens in Mediation An Overview of Mediation 34 Introductory Stage 36 Information-Gathering Stage 40 Framing Stage 45 Negotiating Stage 48 Concluding Stage 52 Assessing the Cost of Robert and Fran’s Mediation 54 3 What Happens in a Collaborative Divorce An Overview of Collaborative Divorce 58 Introductory Stage 62 Information-Gathering Stage 67 Framing Stage 69 Negotiating Stage 72 Concluding Stage 74 Assessing the Cost of Cole and Traci’s Collaborative Divorce 76 Traci and Cole’s Divorce Agreement 78 4 Deciding to Mediate or Collaborate Is Mediation or Collaboration Right for You? 85 It Takes Two to Tango 96 Comparing Mediation and Collaborative Divorce 96 Mediation vs. Collaboration: Factors to Consider in Choosing the Right Approach 98 Making Your Choice 103 [...]... many parts of the country Collaborative divorce Introduction What Exactly Is Collaborative Divorce? Like mediation, collaborative divorce (also called collaborative law, or collaborative practice) is a process in which you and your spouse negotiate an acceptable agreement with some professional help Instead of using one neutral mediator, you and your spouse hire specially trained collaborative attorneys... or collaborative divorce See Chapters 9 and 10 We also give you a description of what happens in a typical mediation, using a hypothetical couple in Chapter 2, and Divorce without court we give a similar description of a typical collaborative divorce in Chapter 3 You’ll learn how to communicate and negotiate effectively in mediation or collaboration and how to deal with problems that arise We also... Chapter 15 You are ready to write up your divorce (separation or marital settlement) agreement Read Chapter 16 You are interested in reading about gender differences in mediation Read Chapter 17 You are ending a nonmarital relationship and want to learn how to use mediation in your situation Read Chapter 18 You are already divorced and want to try mediation to settle a new issue that has come up with... neutral professional known as a mediator or by seeking out lawyers who offer a new approach to resolving the issues in divorce cases, called collaborative law” or collaborative divorce. ” A mediator or two collaborative lawyers, one for each of you, can help you and your spouse reach a complete agreement that will settle your divorce case without a costly legal battle A mediator does not impose a decision... you are ending a nonmarital relationship, rather than a legal marriage (Chapter 18) • how to use mediation or collaboration to resolve postdivorce issues such as changes in child custody and support arrangements (Chapter 19), and • how to use mediation or collaboration to hammer out a financial agreement with a new spouse or partner (Chapter 19) To use this book most effectively, first read Chapters... especially valuable for you, because it allows you and your spouse to include your religious or cultural values in your divorce agreement If you and your spouse both want to settle things but are having trouble doing that on your own, mediation or collaborative divorce can give you a way to keep the legal divorce simple and uncontested Both mediation and collaborative divorce offer tools to help you and. .. (age four to eight) is Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (Little, Brown and Company) Older children (eight to 13) may benefit from reading My Parents Are Divorced, Too: A Book for Kids by Kids, by Melanie, Annie, and Steven Ford, as told to Jan BlackstoneFord (Magination Press) Above all, remember that you, and not your children, are getting a divorce. .. several chapters, we describe • how mediation or collaboration fits into the overall divorce process —See Chapter 1 • how to decide whether and when to mediate or use a collaborative process—See Chapter 4 • how to find the right mediator or collaborative lawyer for your situation—See Chapters 6 and 7 • how to get your spouse to agree to mediate or collaborate—See Chapter 5 • how to prepare for mediation. .. Interim and Partial Agreements in Writing? 317 Writing Up the Final Settlement 319 17 Women and Men in Mediation and Collaborative Divorce Historical Background 326 Gender and Mandatory Mediation 328 Gender and Voluntary Mediation 328 Common Gender-Related Obstacles 328 18 Unmarried Couples in Mediation and Collaboration Untying the Nonmarital Knot:... lawyers (or collaborative lawyers, if you choose that route) can help you make temporary arrangements that protect your rights while everyone adjusts to the separation (See Chapter 7 for more on finding a collaborative lawyer, or to find a consulting lawyer, see Chapter 8.) Chapter 1: The Role of Mediation and Collaborative Law in the Divorce Process This can also be a good time to start the mediation . mediator and friend extraordinaire, and Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein, colleagues and mentors at the Center for Media - tion in Law. Thanks also to Steve Elias and Robin Leonard, editors. in assembling information, investigating, and What Exactly Is Collaborative Divorce? Like mediation, collaborative divorce (also called collaborative law, or collaborative practice) is a process. situations in which we think that’s a good idea—consult an attorney licensed to practice in your state. please note Divorce Without Court A Guide to Mediation and Collaborative Divorce by Attorney-Mediator