1 Learning to Listen Learning to Help Understanding Woman Abuse and its Effects on Children Linda L. Baker & Alison J. Cunningham the Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System W hy learn about woman abuse and its effects on children? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 W hat is woman abuse? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 Glossary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 Power & Control Wheel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Equality Wheel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Facts & figures . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 What causes woman abuse? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Advocacy Wheel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 How to support a woman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 Anti-violence services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Finding resources for women and children . . . . . . . . 13 Woman abuse and children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 The need for differential response . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Potential impacts of violence at different ages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 Coping and survival strategies of young people . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Responding to child disclosures of abuse and neglect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 How to support a child during a disclosure . . . . . . . . 25 Barriers to child disclosure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Reporting child maltreatment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Standards of professional conduct . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 Taking stock of your own attitudes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Taking care of yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 Can I make a difference? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 Where to get more information . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 References cited . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . back cover Index How to order : Download copies at no cost from: www.lfcc.on.ca Or order copies from: Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System 200 - 254 Pall Mall Street LONDON ONTARIO N6A 5P6 CANADA e-mail: publications@lfcc.on.ca telephone: (519) 679-7250 ext. 206 for ordering information, see www.lfcc.on.ca/learning.html Funding is provided by the government of Ontario. The views expressed herein are those of the Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System and do not necessarily reflect those of the government of Ontario. Authors: Linda L. Baker, Ph.D., C.Psych. Executive Director Alison J. Cunningham, M.A.(Crim.) Director of Research & Planning Graphic Design: Tempo Graphics The content of this resource cannot be reproduced for publication without written permission from the Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System. Disponible aussi en français sous le titre Apprendre à Ecouter, Apprendre à Aider. © 2005 Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System, London Family Court Clinic, Inc. Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data Baker, Linda L. (Linda Lillian), 1955- Learning to listen, learning to help: understanding woman abuse and its effects on children / Linda L. Baker, Alison J. Cunningham. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 1-89595328-6 1. Family violence. 2. Abused women. 3. Children of abused wives. I. Cunningham, Alison J., 1959- II. Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System. III. Title. HV6626.B23 2005 362.82'92 C2004-907370-2 1 WHY LEARN ABOUT WOMAN ABUSE & ITS EFFECTS ON CHILDREN? Many of us work with people If your professional or volunteer role finds you in social service settings, employment agencies, classrooms, recreation facilities, health care settings, law enforcement agencies, correctional institutions, courthouses, veterinary practices, dental offices, law firms, legal clinics, or any place you meet people you will meet women who are in, or have recently left, abusive intimate relationships. Many of these women have children. A sensitive and respectful response to abused women and their children requires an understanding of the issue and being prepared to provide support. Learning to Listen The first step is to listen, respectfully and without judgment. Woman abuse and child maltreatment are illegal and hidden behind closed doors. They can be found in any neighbourhood. Those affected have many reasons to keep it secret, including fear, self-blame, embarrassment and concern for legal consequences such as deportation. Knowing the signs and patterns helps you listen with an ear to understanding. Learning to Help You can help. Respect a woman’s choices, know the resources in your community, make appropriate referrals, and observe her privacy (as long as no child is at risk). Children who live in a home with woman abuse are affected, whether they see it, hear it, see the aftermath, or are told about it Children who live in a home with woman abuse are affected, whether they see it, hear it, see the aftermath, or are told about it You cannot keep a confidence if you believe a child is at risk of harm. Know your legal responsibility to report child abuse (see page 27) Special Features of this Guide These symbols highlight important points or direct you to further information. Of special note: this is an important point A web site with more information Use the Internet to explore this topic A document with more information 2 While all forms of abuse are hurtful, some forms of woman abuse are criminal offences and others are not While all forms of abuse are hurtful, some forms of woman abuse are criminal offences and others are not WHAT IS WOMEN ABUSE? Woman abuse does not always involve physical violence The spectrum of abuse ranges from insults through to life-threatening injuries and even murder. The goal of the abuser is to use physical, economic or other power to be in control and to put the woman in a position of powerlessness. Woman abuse can take one, two or more of these forms emotional abuse Demeaning comments, insults, taunts about being useless, lazy, fat, ugly, or stupid, dictating how she dresses, threats of suicide, threats of taking the children, surveillance, baseless jealousy, cutting her off from family or friends, abusing pets, destroying sentimental or valued possessions. economic abuse Withholding money, taking her money, spending frivolously while the children do without necessities, making all major purchases, denying access to bank accounts, preventing her from taking or keeping a job. sexual abuse Forced sex, distasteful or painful sexual activity, exposure to AIDS or other sexually-transmitted diseases, refusal to use or permit her to use birth control. spiritual abuse Ridicule or punishment for holding a religious or cultural belief, forbidding practice of a person’s religion or forcing adherence to different practices. physical abuse Slapping, punching, kicking, shoving, choking, burning, biting, pushing down stairs, stabbing or slashing with a knife, shooting, hitting with an object. Liz Hart & Wanda Jamieson (2002). Woman Abuse: Overview Paper. Ottawa: National Clearinghouse on Family violence 3 GLOSSARY GLOSSARY You will see these terms used throughout the handbook assault An offence contained in the Criminal Code of Canada. child exposure to woman abuse Seeing, hearing, being told about, or seeing the aftermath of a mother’s abuse by her intimate partner. Some children see a father taken away by police. child maltreatment Also called “child abuse,” a term that can mean physical, sexual or emotional abuse, and/or physical or emotional neglect and/or denial of medical care. coping strategy A way to cope with an emotionally painful situation. healthy, equal relationship A relationship characterized by mutual respect, trust, support, open communication, and shared responsibility, with calm negotiation and fairness in problem solving and conflict resolution. power and control A pattern of behaviour involving coercion, threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, using male privilege, minimization of the seriousness of abusive behaviour, denial of harm, etc. woman abuse A pattern of male behaviour characterized by power and control tactics against a woman that may, or may not, involve physical assault. When we use these terms, here is what we mean. Statistics Canada estimates that children have seen violence or threats in 37% of households where there is spousal violence 8 See also the Abuse of Children Wheel at www.duluth-model.org 4 Find the Lesbian/Gay Power and Control Wheel and also the Creator Wheel (Mending the Sacred Hoop) for Aboriginal communities POWER & CONTROL WHEEL Woman abuse does not always involve physical violence The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project counsels men with a pattern of abusing their female partners. Their model shows how power and control tactics are the hallmarks of woman abuse. P H Y S I C A L V I O L E N C E S E X U A L POWER AND CONTROL P H Y S I C A L V I O L E N C E S E X U A L Using COERCION and THREATS • making and/or threats to do something to her • threatening to leave, commit suicide, report her to welfare • making her drop charges • making her do illegal things Using INTIMIDATION • making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures • smashing things, destroying her property • abusing pets • displaying weapons Using ISOLATION • controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes • limiting her outside involvement • using jealousy to justify actions Using EMOTIONAL ABUSE • pushing her down • making her feel bad about herself • calling her names • making her think she's crazy • playing mind games • humiliating her • making her feel guilty Using CHILDREN • making her feel guilty about the children • using the children to relay messages MINIMIZING DENYING and BLAMING • making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously • saying the abuse didn't happen • shifting responsibility for abusive behavior • saying she caused it Using MALE PRIVILEGE • treating her like a servant • making all the big decisions • acting like the master of the castle • being the one to define men’s and women’s roles Using ECONOMIC ABUSE • preventing her from getting or keeping a job • making her ask for money • giving her an allowance • taking her money • not letting her know about or have access to family income Developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, Minnesota www.duluth-model.org 5 THE EQUALITY WHEEL Equality is the opposite to power and control This model also from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project describes a healthy, equal relationship. N O N - V I O L E N C E EQUALITY NEGOTIATION and FAIRNESS • seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict • accepting change • being willing to compromise NON-THREATENING BEHAVIOR • talking and acting so she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things TRUST and SUPPORT • supporting her goals in life • respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions RESPECT • listening to her non-judgmentally • being emotionally affirming and understanding • valuing opinions RESPONSIBLE PARENTING • sharing parental responsibilities • being a positive non-violent role model for the children HONESTY and ACCOUNTABILITY • accepting responsibility for self • acknowledging past use of violence • admitting being wrong • communicating openly and truthfully SHARED RESPONSIBILITY • mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work • making family decisions together ECONOMIC PARTNERSHIP • making money decisions together • making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements N O N - V I O L E N C E The Ontario Women’s Directorate has “tip sheets” to encourage healthy, equal relationships: www.ontariowomensdirectorate.gov.on.ca 6 Abuse in the home is hidden behind closed doors That makes it difficult to get an accurate statistical picture. How do we learn about violence in intimate relationships? • anonymous telephone surveys of the general population • review of cases reported to or discovered by the police • review of cases where women were murdered by an intimate partner • talking with women who are experiencing or have survived woman abuse General Social Survey 18 The GSS is an anonymous telephone survey. In 1999, and again in 2004, surveyors asked randomly chosen adults (over 15) about any “spousal violence” in the last five years, incidents ranging from threats to hit through to being beaten. In the 1999 survey: of women who are or have been in a (heterosexual) relationship in the previous five years reported at least one incident within those five years at the hands of a current and/or former partner of these women reported some form of physical injury had feared for their lives Each year, Statistics Canada releases a document called Family Violence in Canada: A Statistical Profile . Results of the 1999 GSS are in the 2000 edition. In 2005, the results of the 2004 GSS will be described there. [find it at www.statcan.ca ] FACTS & FIGURES FACTS & FIGURES 8 % 38 % While the GSS did not address this subject, violence can also occur in same-sex relationships 40 % 7 What do police statistics show ? • in 2002, 85% of victims of “spousal” assault known to the police were female 17 How many women go to shelters? • each day, about 1,000 women live in an Ontario shelter because of abuse 5 How many women are murdered by intimate partners? • in 2002, 67 women and 16 men were killed by a current or former “spouse” in Canada 17 Who is most at risk for woman abuse? Any woman could find herself in an abusive relationship but some groups of women appear to be at greater risk overall, specifically women who are: • young • poor 3 • in dating or common-law relationships • Aboriginal • disabled • recently out of a relationship Learn more about intimate homicide by reading the latest annual report to the Chief Coroner by Ontario’s Domestic Violence Death Review Committee. Aysan Sev’er (2002). Fleeing the House of Horrors: Women Who Have Left Abusive Partners . Toronto: University of Toronto Press. Search for Jacqueline Campbell’s Danger Assessment to learn about this and other ways to measure “lethality indicators.” Most crime victims do not call the police Most crime victims do not call the police never generalize from aggregate statistics to individuals: for example, most young women recently out of a relationship are not abused These quantitative data give one perspective. Qualitative data such as case studies show the context, dynamics and consequences of abuse 8 WHAT CAUSES WOMAN ABUSE? Ask this man for an explanation and he might say it was her fault: she was nagging, burned the dinner, spent too much money, insulted him, or talked to another man. He might focus on the situation: he was drunk, under stress after losing his job, or the children were noisy. But the underlying cause of woman abuse is the man's need to control, often paired with a belief that men can or should be in charge. Perhaps he learned these attitudes by watching his father, or because he was raised believing that men’s rights are more important than those of women or children. Here are some factors contributing to the dynamic of violence against women in our society. Socialization of girls Many girls are encouraged to be nurturing, non- confrontational, and to put the needs of others over their own. Girls are exposed to messages that being male is better, men cannot be expected to share domestic duties, women are only valued for their beauty and ability to have children, and women without a man should be pitied. Stereotypes of masculinity and the role of men Little boys are socialized in quite a different way. It starts when they are babies and continues at school, where male aggression at recess is often excused as boisterous play, for example. Boys can receive messages that being powerful and in control are good, thinking is better than feeling, and expressing feelings is a sign of weakness. As adults, some have difficulty appreciating the viewpoint of others. They may believe the man is head of the household and his opinions and needs are the most important. TORONTO STAR A 27-year-old unemployed father took just 37 days to get re-arrested and charged with beating up his wife again. In his second round of charges he was accused of violently pushing his wife into some cupboards, throwing her to the ground and then threatening to kill her with a piece of broken glass. WHAT CAUSES WOMAN ABUSE? Woman abuse is not a problem of mental illness or a reaction to stress. It is never caused by the victim ’ s behaviour The Ontario Women’s Directorate has “tip sheets” for parents and caregivers, to encourage healthy, equal relationships in boys and girls www.ontariowomensdirectorate.gov.on.ca [...]... this national toll-free, 24 / 7, bilingual help line, children and teenagers can speak with someone anonymously about personal problems and ask questions • Some children believe that use of a toll-free number like Kids Help Phone will appear on the family telephone bill: reassure them this is not the case 16 WOMAN ABUSE AND CHILDREN Abuse threatens a child’s sense of his or her family as safe and nurturing... come to believe that no one can help and it is not worth telling anyone Follow the child’s lead Some children have short attention spans and spend little time on any one topic, even if it is a distressing one Permit the child to say as much or as little as needed For when an adult discloses abuse, see Handbook on Sensitive Practice for Health Professionals (2001) for guidance on what to do and say (and. .. with negative effects and replacing them with healthier strategies may be the key to helping children who have lived with woman abuse and maltreatment Help mothers understand the coping of their children with material in Helping Children Thrive / Supporting Woman Abuse Survivors as Mothers: A Resource to Support Parenting (2004) [www.lfcc .on. ca] 24 RESPONDING TO CHILD DISCLOSURES OF ABUSE & NEGLECT... tactics, and assess for other adverse experiences affecting the children Woman abuse is different than marital conflict While woman abuse can occur without physical assaults, relatively minor incidents such as slapping and pushing can occur once or twice in relationships not otherwise characterized by power and control tactics 14 The hallmark of woman abuse is power and control Woman abuse involves ongoing,... depends on many factors As children get older, they develop a more sophisticated understanding of the causes and consequences of violence, a more accurate view of their own role in the violence (versus a self-blaming stance), and an increasing ability to intervene Their emotional coping strategies (see pages 22 and 23) may also evolve and change Infants and Toddlers Babies and toddlers are too young to. .. for Ontario Disability Support Benefits This is a lengthy process and she may have to collect Ontario Works in the meantime Counselling and advocacy Woman and Abuse Welfare Research Project (2004) Walking on Eggshells: Abused Women’s Experiences of Ontario’s Welfare System Ontario Association of Interval & Transition Houses [www.oaith.ca] Some communities have local service directories and the telephone... intimidation, domination, and threat that characterize woman abuse The type of intervention will be different Couple therapies appropriate for marital conflict are both ineffective for relationships characterized by woman abuse and may increase the risk faced by a woman and her children Likewise, the reverse is true Interventions designed for male perpetrators of women abuse are not appropriate to deal... may need to tell someone whose job it is to help children be safe Find the basic principles of “Active Listening” on the internet Do not criticize or speak negatively about the abusive parent Children often have confused feelings They may hate the abuse, but have a close bond to the abusive parent and enjoy times spent together Reluctance to tell may be linked to a fear of marital separation If you... document covers all these topics and more: Community Legal Education Ontario (2004) Do You Know a Woman Who is Being Abused? A Legal Rights Handbook [www.cleo .on. ca] The “Getting Legal Help series also available at www.cleo .on. ca helps women find lawyers and apply for Legal Aid Resources for women new to Canada answers • www.settlement.org: information and Chinese, for newcomers to Ontario www.projectbluesky.ca:... consult a supervisor if you have questions or concerns about a specific situation Document both your concerns and your actions 1 Always be professional and maintain high standards of personal behaviour 2 Be aware of situations which can be misconstrued or manipulated by others, such as being alone with a child in a car 3 Be vigilant and aware of how your actions and attention can be misinterpreted by a child . 1 Learning to Listen Learning to Help Understanding Woman Abuse and its Effects on Children Linda L. Baker & Alison J. Cunningham the Centre for Children & Families. in Publication Data Baker, Linda L. (Linda Lillian), 1955- Learning to listen, learning to help: understanding woman abuse and its effects on children /