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Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox For Michèle Come get it bae There is no such thing as “the Queen’s English.” The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares! —MARK TWAIN In my sentences I go where no man has gone before —GEORGE W BUSH The English language has a deceptive air of simplicity: so have some little frocks; but they are not the kind that any fool can run up in half an hour with a machine —DOROTHY L SAYERS If you’ve got something you want to rap about, just rap about it, man —YELAWOLF Introduction Language Is Power Language is power, and how we use it de nes us Think of Winston Churchill “I have nothing to o er but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” Think of John Prescott, a British deputy prime minister “It was a terrible ight Thank God I’m back on terra cotta.” Think of Donald Trump “I will be phenomenal to the women I mean, I want to help women.” Think of Kourtney Kardashian “You’re acting like drunk slobkabobs.” Language is also what makes us human As the philosopher Bertrand Russell remarked, “No matter how eloquently a dog may bark, he cannot tell you that his parents were poor but honest Only language can that.” And since the way we use language tells the world so much about us, it’s worth getting it right If we’ve not met before, let me introduce myself My name is Gyles Brandreth, and I’m a language obsessive and a punctuation perfectionist (That doesn’t mean to say I always get it right, but I always aim to.) My mother was a teacher; my father was a lawyer; they brought me up with a love of words And they sent me to good schools I was educated by teachers of English who knew their grammar and the value of it As a child I read dictionaries at breakfast and asked for a copy of Fowler’s Modern English Usage for my tenth birthday I have loved word games all my life When I was twenty-three, I founded the National Scrabble Championships Since then, whether as a journalist or a broadcaster, an actor or a member of Parliament, words have been central to my life I am proud to be the longest-serving resident in Countdown’s Dictionary Corner on Channel 4, the host of BBC Radio 4’s Wordaholics, a regular on Radio 4’s Just a Minute, a reporter on The One Show on BBC1, and the chancellor of the University of Chester Words are my everything So, welcome to Have You Eaten Grandma? It’s an informal guide to punctuation, spelling, and good English for the twenty- rst century In the pages that follow, with what my publishers assure me is “a nice [that means precise as well as pleasing] mixture of good humor and authority,” I aim to anatomize some of the linguistic horrors of our time, work out where we’ve been going wrong (and why), and come up with some tips and tricks to help show how, in the future, we can make fewer (rather than “less”) mistakes All right? Is “alright” all right? You’ll nd out right here The Queen’s English “Really? I thought she was German.” The Queen is British, of course, though partly of German heritage Her husband is British, too, though born in Greece and brought up in France and Germany They both speak good English, as their children and grandchildren Because the sovereign is the head of state and traditional fount of honor and wisdom in the land, good “correct” English has been called “the Queen’s English” (or “the King’s English”) for at least six hundred years Shakespeare used the phrase in his play The Merry Wives of Windsor But to speak good English you don’t have to sound like the Queen Good English isn’t about your accent: it’s about your ability to communicate—clearly, e ectively, and (when you want to) passionately I am passionate about the English language It’s the richest language in the world It’s our heritage—and our hope All the research shows that the better the English you speak and write, the happier and more successful you will be People with better English get better jobs because they write better CVs and communicate more e ectively in interviews People who punctuate poorly and spell badly get lower marks in examinations—and in life People with better English are more likely to secure the partner of their dreams because (the research shows) when it comes to wooing, words are more important than looks, money, or sex appeal People with better English are healthier and live longer because they can understand and communicate better with doctors, nurses, and caregivers Good English makes all the di erence And, alarmingly, good English is under threat In a recent survey, four out of ve teachers expressed concern about the vocabulary range of their teenage pupils Apparently, “many are unable to understand questions in GCSE [single-subject exams] and SATs test papers, leading in some cases to low self-esteem.” Some eleven-year-olds did not know words such as “complete,” “replace,” and “insert.” Some sixteen-year-olds struggled with “explain,” “identify,” and “analyze.” Another survey revealed that while nine out of ten primary school children in the UK could identify a Dalek, only a third could recognize and name a magpie The world is changing and words are disappearing The majority of primary school children these days are city-dwellers, and up to two-thirds of them, it seems, are unfamiliar with such lovely words as these: acorn bluebell bramble dandelion heron king sher lark newt otter raven starling willow wren YouTube, the video-sharing website owned by Google, recently asked two thousand people, ages sixteen to sixty- ve, their views on the current state of the English language Ninety-four percent thought there had been a decline in the correct use of English since the turn of the millennium, with 80 percent identifying young people as the worst culprits The same survey also found that 75 percent of adults now use emojis to communicate with one another If a small digital image—designed by someone else and generated for you—can express how you feel, who needs words? The explosion of social media in our time has had a discombobulating e ect on the way we use language President Donald Trump’s preferred means of communication is the tweet, and his favorite form of punctuation is the exclamation mark (called an “exclamation point” in the US) In 2017 alone, in his tweets he used 3,660 of them! And as well as saying weird things in weird ways (“Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest—and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault”), the American president has come up with some weird words of his own When on Twitter he declared “We’re going to win bigly,” a new word was born I thought he meant “bigly” as in “hugely” or “ginormously” or even “supercalifragilisticexpialidociously”—but no, “bigly” was Trump’s Twitter shorthand for “big league.” I am not against Twitter I am on Twitter myself (Do get in touch: you will nd me @GylesB1.) And I know that Jack Dorsey, the boss of Twitter, takes his responsibilities seriously He tweeted recently, “We’re committing Twitter to help increase the collective health, openness, and civility of public conversation, and to hold ourselves publicly accountable towards progress.” Unsurprisingly, that tweet earned him a Bad Grammar Award from a national magazine that cares about words and language, but Jack’s heart is in the right place and he’s worth $4.6 billion, so what does he care? Trump invented “bigly” in 2016 “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” (the longest new word to gain worldwide currency in my lifetime) was popularized by the 1964 lm Mary Poppins In 2018, “Meet me at McDonald’s” isn’t an invitation; bizarrely, it’s the name some young people have given a fashionable haircut that involves a closely shaven back and sides with an unruly mop on top From Airbnb to Generation Z, via TTC (“trying to conceive”) and ransomware (the malicious software that threatens a cyber attack unless ransom is paid), barely a day goes by without a new word or phrase turning up Which new words are acceptable? Which aren’t? It’s a mine eld, particularly when you add political correctness to the mix Qantas, the Australian airline, recently advised ight attendants to avoid using the terms “husband” and “wife” and “mum” and “dad” as “they can reinforce the notion that everyone is in a heterosexual relationship and make many families feel excluded.” “Slobkabobs” is in; “mum” and “dad” are out What to do? Read on How to Use This Book This is my guide to that mine eld When it comes to punctuation, spelling, and the use of English in today’s world, I’m here to tell you what’s right, what’s wrong, when it matters, and when it doesn’t Punctuation is important, but the rules are changing Spelling is important today in a way that it wasn’t when Shakespeare was a boy Grammar isn’t set in stone Once upon a time, to split an in nitive was wrong, wrong, wrong Since the coming of Star Trek in 1966, when “to boldly go where no man has gone before” was what the now-iconic TV series promised to do, we’ve all been at it “To actually get,” “to really want,” “to truly love,” “to just go”—you may not like them as turns of phrase, but take it from me: they are acceptable nowadays End of And that’s acceptable, too “End of” as a complete, two-word sentence has even appeared in Hansard, the o cial record of proceedings in the British Parliament In 2018, a minister of the crown nished an o cial statement with a de nitive sign-o “End of,” he said, and sat down Dickens, Charles, 19, 259, 269 dictionaries, 66, 86–89, 218, 223, 259 Dictionary of the English Language, A (Samuel Johnson), 86–87 direct speech colons with, 38 commas with, 29–30, 38 quotation marks and, 67–68 Donne, John, 198 Dorsey, Jack, 5–6 Dostoyevsky, Fyodor, 272 double negatives, 273, 274 Drake, 219–20 dyslexia, 92n E Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom, 2–3, 245, 262 ellipses, 14, 55–58 emails heading abbreviations, 206–7 shorthand used in, 207 See also acronyms em or en dashes, 46–51 emojis or emoticons, 5, 52–53 Engel, Matthew, 166–67 English language, 2–8 dictionaries, 86–89 good communication rules, 270–75 new words and meanings, 5, 6, 250–58 political correctness, 6, 248–50 as the Queen’s English, See also American English; bad language; British English; grammar; punctuation; spelling; vocabulary “English Lesson, The” (anonymous), 125–26 euphemisms, 259 for death, 242–43 in job descriptions, 247–49 for political lies, 241 for sex, 246–47 for toilet talk, 243–45 work-related, 241–42 exclamation or interjection, 28, 285 exclamation point, 5, 13–14, 62–65, 270, 273, 285 Experience (Martin Amis), 271 F Fahrenheit 451 (Bradbury), 18 Favilla, Emmy J., 198, 215 Fifty Shades Freed ( lm), 120 Fight Club ( lm), 238 Fitzgerald, F Scott, 64 FmyLife blog, 216 Fonda, Henry, 219 Fowler’s Modern English Usage, 2, 192–93 fractions, hyphen or slash with, 46, 55 Franzen, Jonathan, 259 French language numbers, 33 plurals of nouns derived from, 136 spoken in the US, 149, 150 Fry, Stephen, 12n full stop or period, 13, 14–19, 202–3 G gender politics acronyms and, 204–6 cisgender, 250 gender-neutral words and, 248–49 political correctness and, 248–50 transgender, 250 Generation X and Y, 212–13n Generation Z, 6, 89, 89n, 212–13n German spoken in the US, 149–50 Gladstone, William, 166 Glossary of Yorkshire Medical Terms (Doncaster Primary Care Health Trust), 259 Gowers, Sir Ernest, 32 grammar, 7, 110, 269 changing nature of, 274–75 terms or language of, 8–9, 277–85 Greek-derived nouns, plurals and, 136 greetings, 31–32 Guardian newspaper, 248 H Hall, Sir Peter, 114 Hansard (Parliament’s o cial record), Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling), 170 Hemingway, Ernest, 18–19, 34, 198, 212–13n, 270 heterographs, 171–99 heterophones, 172–73 Hirohito, Emperor, 241 homographs, 172 homophones, 171–99 worst word confusions, 174–79 Hope, Bob, 227–28, 229 Hubbard, Elbert, 269 hyphen, 41–46 “non” and, 42 I “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” 274 Importance of Being Earnest, The (Wilde), 70n in nitives See split in nitive initialisms, 201, 203 interjection See exclamation interrobang, 64–65 inverted commas See quotation marks Italian lasagna or lasagne, 137 plurals of nouns derived from, 136–37 telegrams, 116 italics, 68–69 J Jagger, Mick, 274 James, Henry, 269 Jane Eyre (Brontë), 18 Johnson, Samuel, 86–87 Jonson, Ben, 35 Joyce, James, 19 Just a Minute (radio show), K Kardashian, Kourtney, King, Stephen, 35, 269, 270 Kipling, Rudyard, 269–70 Kyser, Kay, 129 L Lamb, Bernard C., 74, 190 Landon, Letitia Elizabeth, 65–66 language as changing, 222, 254, 275 as power, 1, 249 Larkin, Philip, “This Be the Verse,” 223 Latin a.m and p.m., 17–18n, 202 abbreviations, 12n, 17n, 32n, 202, 207n capital/capitol and, 178 cf., 207n cum, 55 e.g., 17, 17n, 202 ellipses, 55 etc., 17 io, 62–63 NB, 17, 17n per, 55 plurals of nouns derived from, 135–36 PS, 31n viz or viz., 12n Le bourgeois gentilhomme (Molière), 277–78 le May, Debbie, 145 Leonard, Elmore, 270 letters capital letters, 120–24 diacritic letters, 118 plurals of single letters, 81 silent letters, 117–20 lists colons with, 37, 38 commas with, 20–22 hyphens with, 46 semicolons with, 36 Loren, Sophia, 248 Lynn, Vera, 227, 231 M Macintyre, Ben, 34–35 Margaret, Princess, Countess of Snowdon, 221 Margoyles, Miriam, 222 Marx, Groucho, 283 Mary Poppins ( lm), McLendon, Lisa, 198–99 Melville, Herman, 35 Merry Wives of Windsor, The (Shakespeare), Metallica, 198 mnemonics (for spelling), 103–13 Molière, 277–78 Mork and Mindy, 228, 230 Mostly Sally (Wodehouse), 36n “Motto, The” (Drake), 219–20 Murray, Ruby, 228, 231 My Man Jeeves (Wodehouse), 226 N Nabokov, Vladimir, 19 names and proper nouns, 279 capital letters and, 121 commas with, 28–29 plurals of, 81 National Scrabble Championships, Navajo language, 147–48 new words and meanings, 5, 6, 250–58 Nightingale, Florence, 248 Nineteen Eighty-Four (Orwell), 241 nouns, 278, 279, 280 abstract, 279 branches of knowledge, 140 British vs American spelling, 151–56 capital letters for, 121 collective, 145–46, 279 common, 279 concrete, 279 diseases, 139–40 plurals, 125–46 proper, 28–29, 81, 121, 279 subject/verb agreement, 143–46 uncountable, 137–38, 139–40 verbing, 274 See also names and proper nouns numbers colon with, 39 comma with, 32–33 fractions, hyphen or slash with, 46, 55 hyphen with, 46 plurals of single numbers, 81 writing digits or words for, 81 Nyman, Mark, 263 O object, 278 o ensive language, 221–23 BBC Editorial Guidelines for, 222 “fuck” rst used on British TV, 221–22 Ogilvy, David, 270 Old English, 126, 126n omission (of letters), 75, 78–79 syncope, 77n One Show, The (TV show), Orwell, George, 270–72 Nineteen Eighty-Four, 241 “Politics and the English Language,” 241 Othello (Shakespeare), 246 overused words and phrases, 232–39 like, overuse of, 232 most annoying, 233–38 Most Irritating Words List, 238 snow ake, 238 whatever, 238 Oxford (or serial) comma, 21–22 Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (ed Brandreth), 66 Oxford English Dictionary, 87 new words of 2015, 250–51 Oxford University Press, 178 P parentheses, 14, 46, 48, 51–53 parenthetical phrase, 27–28 participles, 283 dangling or misplaced, 273, 283 past, 282 present, 282 Penguin Dictionary of Curious and Interesting Words, 259 Pepys, Samuel, 245 period (or full stop), 13, 14–19, 202–3 Philip, Prince, Duke of Edinburgh, 2–3, 186, 245 Pixie and Dixie and Mr Jinks (cartoon), 128 plurals, 125–46 always plural words, 139 of bellows, tongs, tights, and thongs, 139 of branches of knowledge, 140 British vs American English and, 137, 141, 142 ch, s, sh, x, or z ending and, 130–31 data or datum, 140 of diseases, 139–40 “The English Lesson,” 125–26 sh or shes, 128–29 of food names, as single dish, 139 f or fe ending and, 131–32 means as singular or plural, 139 misplaced apostrophe and, 79–84 mutated plurals and umlaut, 127–29 of names and proper nouns, 81 of nouns with Anglo-Saxon roots, 126–28, 126n of nouns with French roots, 136, 143 of nouns with Greek roots, 136 of nouns with Italian roots, 136–37 of nouns with Latin roots, 135–36, 141, 142–43 o ending and, 133–34 possession for, 76 series, 138–39 of single letters or numbers, 81 singular and plural the same, 128, 138–39 subject/verb agreement and, 143–46 twenty questions/answers, 140–43 uncountable nouns, 137–38, 139–40 y ending and, 129 Poe, Edgar Allan, 35 poetry, 54–55 Poke, The (online newsfeed), 87–89, 89n political correctness, 6, 248–50 “Politics and the English Language” (Orwell), 241 Ponti, Carlo, 248 Porter, Cole, 120 portmanteau words, 252–54 possession apostrophe to show, 74, 75–78 possessive adjectives (determiners), 77–78 possessive pronouns, 77–78, 280 predicate, 278 pre xes, 42, 98 list of, 99 “non,” 42 prepositions, 273, 280, 284 Prescott, John, pronouns, 278, 279–80 gender and, 94n its/it’s, 78 objective, 280 personal, 279–80 placement of, 273 possessive, 77–78, 280 pronoun/antecedent agreement, 94n re exive, 280 re exive personal, 280 relative, 280 subjective, 280 subject/verb agreement, 145 there/their/they’re, 196 which/that/who, 197–98 who’s/whose, 199, 280 who/whom, 198–99, 280 proper nouns See names and proper nouns Proust, Marcel, 19 punctuation, 7, 11–14 apostrophe, 71–84 asterisk, 70 brackets or parentheses, 51–53 colon, 37–40 comma, 11, 19–33 dash, 41, 46–51 ellipses (three dots), 55–58 exclamation point, 5, 13–14, 62–65, 270, 285 hyphen, 41–46 interrobang, 64–65 period or full stop, 13, 14–19 question mark, 13, 58–62 quotation marks, 65–70 semicolon, 31, 34–36 slash, 53–55 Q Qantas airline, Quayle, Dan, 85, 94 Quaylisms, 91–92 Queen’s English, 3, 77 Queen’s English Society, 7, 74, 145, 190 question mark, 13, 58–62 quotation marks, 65–70 scare quotes, 69 R Reader’s Digest, 260 “It Pays to Increase Your Word Power,” 258, 260 Rees-Mogg, Jacob, 224 relative clauses, 24–26, 26n, 280 comma and, 24–25 restrictive, 25, 26 who, whom, whose, which, that used with, 179–80, 199, 280 rhetorical questions, 59 Richards, Keith, 274 Rotters’ Club, The (Coe), 19 round brackets See parentheses Rowling, J K Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, 170 new words from, 256–57 Russell, Bertrand, 1, 58 Russia, 16, 124 S Sa re, William, 272–74 Sandburg, Carl, 232 Sayers, Dorothy L., vii, 65 Schrodinger’s douchebag, 218 Scrabble, 261–68 ABSP, 263 tournaments, 263 A to Z of useful words for, 263–68 semicolon, 31, 34–36 sentence complex, 23 de ned, 277 as a Hemingway short story, 18–19 length, 19 parts of, 278–79 period at end of, 17 simple, 23 See also clauses sentence fragment, 17, 274 Shakespeare, William, 3, 68, 69, 85–86, 126n, 203n All’s Well That Ends Well, 261 Othello, 246 Shaw, George Bernard, 52, 53, 72, 72n, 74 “silent generation,” 212–13n silent letters, 117–20, 119n, 120n slang, 223–39 slash (forward or back), 53–55 Slick, Grace, 222 Sloan, Tod, 228, 231 Sloane Rangers, 227 social media, 5, 89n, 206, 214, 251 “Sonnet 18” (Shakespeare), 68, 69 Spanish spoken in the US, 149 Speckter, Martin K., 64 speech marks See quotation marks spelling, 7, 83–124 breaking the word down and, 103 British vs American English, 97–98, 151–56, 155n, 156n combining words and l, 99 creating a mnemonic and, 103–13 most misspelled words, 105–13 poem on, 92–93 saying the word out loud and, 103 silent letters, 117–20, 119n, 120n three words or one run together, 116–17, 116n two words or one run together, 114–16 Webster’s reforms, 88–89, 88n spelling rules capital letters, 120–24 c or s: which to use, 97–98, 189 i before e except after c, 95–97 pre x rule, 98–99 su x rules, 101–3 split in nitives, 7, 273, 274 square brackets See brackets Star Trek, Stein, Gertrude, 212–13n subject, 278 subject/verb agreement, 143–46, 279 subordinate clauses, 23, 24, 24n, 278–79 See also relative clauses su xes, 101–3 Sun Also Rises, The (Hemingway), 212–13n supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, syncope, 77n T tautology, 239–40 telegrams, 15–16 tenses See verb tenses texting acronyms and, 206, 208–20 question mark and, 61 shorthand used in, 207 Thackeray, William Makepeace, 269 That’s the Way It Crumbles (Engel), 166 “This Be the Verse” (Larkin), 222 three dots (ellipses), 14, 55–58 “Three Little Fishies” (song), 128 three words or one run together, 116–17, 116n forasmuch, 116, 116n time a.m and p.m., 17–18n colon used with, 39 titles of address, 18 of books, 69 capital letters in, 121 Today (BBC radio show), 232 too, commas and, 28 Trask, Larry, 123 Trinder, Tommy, 228, 231 Trump, Donald, 1, 5, 6, 202n, 219, 238 bigly, 5, Twain, Mark, vii, 35 Twitter, 5–6 acronyms and, 206, 208–20 contacting author on, question mark in tweets, 61 spelling/misspelling on, 89–91 Trump and, 238 tweeps, 238 two words or one run together (all right/alright, etc.), 114–16 Tynan, Kenneth, 221–22 U Ulysses (Joyce), 19 uncountable nouns, 137 measles and mumps as, 139–40 stu , news, and other nouns, 137–38 underlining, 69–70 United States English as language of, 149–50 English colonization and, 148–49 languages spoken in, 147–51 population of, 149 telegrams abandoned in, 16 USA or U.S.A., 203 See also American English upper- or lowercase letters, 121n Urban Dictionary, 218, 223 website, 218 V verbs, 278, 281–83 active, 281 auxiliary, 281, 282 British vs American spellings, 151–56, 155n compound, 282 hyphenated or compound, 45 intransitive, 281 passive, 281 past, 282 split in nitives, 7, 273, 274 subject/verb agreement, 143–46, 273, 279 transitive, 281 verbing nouns, 274 See also participles verb tenses conditional, 283 continuous or progressive, 282 future, 282 past perfect, 282 perfect, 282 present, 282 present perfect, 282 Victoria, Queen of England, 63–64 Vine, Jeremy, 59–60, 61 Vine, Tim, 60 virgule, 53–54 viz or viz., 12n vocabulary abecedarian, 261 importance of increasing, 258–61, 275 new words and meanings, 5, 6, 250–58 overused words and phrases, 232–39 portmanteau words, 252–54 pretentious words or jargon, 270, 271 slang, 223–39 word meanings, American vs British English, 156–65 worst word confusions, 174–99 vocabulary building, 258–61, 275 crosswords and word puzzles for, 260 dictionary dipping, 259 Scrabble for, 261–68 W W1A (BCC TV show), 247 website and email addresses period with, 18 Webster, Noah, 87–89, 88n, 150 Wells, John, 72 West, Samuel, 130 Whicker, Alan, 228 Wilde, Oscar, 24, 48, 51, 66, 70n, 262 Wilder, Billy, 16 will.i.am, 227 William, Prince, Duke of Cambridge, 206, 206n Williams, Kenneth, 58 Williams, Pharrell, “Come Get It Bae,” 214 Wodehouse, P G., 36, 36n, 66, 223–26, 259 My Man Jeeves, 226 Woolf, Virginia, 259 Wordaholics (BBC Radio show), word confusions: the Brandreth Guide (accept/except, etc.), 174–99 World War II acronyms related to, 204 bells of St Mary-le-Bow, 227n “the greatest generation,” 212–13n writers/writing Amis’s rules for, 271–72 Brandreth’s rules, 274–75 Orwell’s rules, 270–71 rules for, 270–75 Sa re’s rules, 272–74 Y Yelawolf, vii Yuppies, 227 An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 www.SimonandSchuster.com Copyright © 2018 by Gyles Brandreth Originally published in 2018 in Great Britain by Penguin Random House UK All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 First Atria Books hardcover edition August 2019 and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or business@simonandschuster.com The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event For more information, or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com Jacket design and illustration by Ella Laytham Author photo by Gyles Brandreth Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available ISBN 978-1-9821-2740-4 ISBN 978-1-9821-2742-8 (ebook) ... 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