Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!" Từ mới trong bài: - Dumb /dʌm/: câm[r]
(1)TRUYỆN CƯỜI 1.Cậu bé và người thợ cắt tóc: A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer "This is the dumbest kid in the world Watch while I prove it you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves "What did I tell you?" said the barber "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!" Từ bài: - Dumb /dʌm/: câm, không nói năng, ngớ ngẩn, ngốc nghếch - Cone /kəʊn/: Vật hình nón, kem ốc quế 2.Hai người bạn cắm trại: Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don’t need to outrun the bear," the first guy says "I just need to outrun you." Từ bài: - Frantically /ˈfræn.tɪ.kəl.i/: làm gì cách vội vã, gấp gáp - Outrun /ˌaʊtˈrʌn/: di chuyển vượt vật gì đó 3.Độ chậm ốc sên: A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can Three years later there’s a knock on the door He opens it and sees the same snail The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?" Từ bài: - Porch /pɔːrtʃ/: Hiên nhà, phần có mái che trước cửa nhà tòa nhà 4.Người đàn ông "triệu người có một" China has a population of a billion people One billion That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you 5.Cô gái gọi và khách hàng (2) A guy meets a hooker in a bar She says, "This is your lucky night I’ve got a special game for you I’ll absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not." He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and one at a time lays three one hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly "Paint…my….house." Từ bài: - Lay /leɪ/: (ngoại động từ) đặt, để cái gì, đặt cái gì nằm xuống theo phương nằm ngang 6.Điều ước ba người bạn: Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home The second guy wishes the same The third guy says: "I’m lonely I wish my friends were back here." Từ bài: - Stranded /ˈstræn.dɪd/: mắc kẹt, bị kẹt đâu đó 7.Cẩn thận trước lựa chọn A guy dies and is sent to hell Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks The guy says, "No, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses Guy says no again Finally Satan opens the third room People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee On the way out Satan yells, "OK, coffee break’s over Everyone back on your heads!" Từ bài: - Pastry /ˈpeɪ.stri/: bánh ngọt, bánh quy 8.Thế giới bên trông nào: Sid and Irv are business partners They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife So Irv dies Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife Then one day he gets a call It’s Irv "So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?" Sid asks "Well, I sleep very late I get up, have a big breakfast Then I have sex, lots of sex Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch Have some more sex, take a nap Huge dinner More sex Go to sleep and wake up the next day." "Oh, my God," says Sid "So that’s what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv "I’m not in heaven I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park." Từ bài: (3) - Whichever /wɪˈtʃev.ər/: ai, cái gì VD: Either Thursday or Friday - choose whichever day is best for you 9.Chiếc ghế trống người vợ: It’s game of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there "No," says the neighbour "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married." "Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?" The man shakes his head "No," he says "They’re all at the funeral." Từ bài: - Bend over = lean over/tilt over: nhoài qua, cúi người, cúi rạp, đổ xuống đất - In one's right mind: cư xử cách tỉnh táo, làm gì cách đúng đắn 10.Shrewish Ladies I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember 11 An idiot man An idiot manTwo guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911 He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Please stay calm I will help you First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There’s a silence, then a gun shot The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?" 12.Misunderstood (4) A wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine Oh welcome home darling, he says, my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom I hope you said hello 13.A BIG DECISION A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, “Daddy, I'd like to get married.” His father replied hesitantly, "Sure, son, you have anyone special in mind?" “Yes,” answered the boy “I want to marry Grandma.” “Now, wait a minute,” said his father “You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, you?” “Why not?” the boy asked “You married mine.” 14.I don't know Little Johnny asks his father: "Where does the wind come from?" "I don't know." "Why dogs bark?" "I don't know." "Why is the earth round?" "I don't know." "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?" "No son Please ask Otherwise you will never learn anything." 15.IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY (5) Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding”, Fred replied “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me” “That’s great! What about the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank He thought and thought but couldn’t remember Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” Then he turned to his wife and asked: “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?” (6)