Jonah and co

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jonah and Co., by Dornford Yates This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net Title: Jonah and Co Author: Dornford Yates Release Date: January 9, 2009 [EBook #27079] Language: English *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JONAH AND CO *** Produced by Al Haines JONAH AND CO BY DORNFORD YATES WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED LONDON AND MELBOURNE LIBRARY EDITIONS OF "JONAH AND CO." First Published September 1922 Reprinted 2,000 October 1922 Reprinted 2,000 October 1923 Reprinted 2,000 September 1924 Reprinted 2,000 May 1925 Reprinted 3,000 February 1926 Reprinted 12,000 June 1927 Reprinted 8,000 March 1928 Reprinted 5,000 August 1929 Reprinted 10,000 August 1930 Reprinted 10,000 February 1933 Reprinted 8,000 December 1935 Reprinted 8,000 March 1939 Reprinted 5,000 February 1942 Reprinted 9,000 December 1943 BOOK PRODUCTION WAR ECONOMY STANDARD THE TYPOGRAPHY OF THIS BOOK CONFORMS TO THE AUTHORIZED ECONOMY STANDARD MADE IN ENGLAND Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frome and London To ELM TREE ROAD MY LADY, It is hard, sitting here, to believe that, if I would call for a cab, I could be in St James's Street in less than ten minutes of time Nevertheless, it is true I have proved it so many times Soon I shall prove it for the last time Better men than I will sit in this study and pace the lawn in the garden with the high walls The lilies and laburnums and all the gay fellowship of flowers will find a new waterman The thrushes and blackbirds and wood-pigeons will find a new victualler The private forecourt, so richly hung with creeper, will give back my footfalls no more Other eyes will dwell gratefully upon the sweet pretty house and look proudly out of its leaded window-panes The old order changeth, my lady And so I am going, before I am driven out Nine years ago there was a farm upon the opposite side of the road—a little old English farm Going out of my door of a morning, I used to meet ducks and geese that were taking the air And horses came home at even, and cows lowed Now the farm is gone, and a garage has taken its room And other changes have come, and others still are coming So, you see, my lady, it is high time I was gone This quiet study has seen the making of my books This—the last it will see—I make bold to offer to you for many reasons, but mainly because, for one thing, this house belongs to you and, for another, no hostess was ever so charming to the stranger within her gates I have the honour to be, Your ladyship's humble servant, DORNFORD YATES Number Six CONTENTS CHAP I HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRST SERVED II HOW THREE WAGERS WERE MADE, AND ADÈLE KILLED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE III HOW A GOLDEN CALF WAS SET UP, AND NOBBY SHOWED HIMSELF A TRUE PROPHET IV HOW BERRY MADE AN ENGAGEMENT, JILL A PICTURE, AND ADÈLE A SLIP OF SOME IMPORTANCE V HOW LOVE CAME TO JILL, HERBERT TO THE RESCUE, AND A YOUNG MAN BY HIS RIGHT VI HOW BERRY RAN CONTRABAND GOODS, AND THE DUKE OF PADUA PLIGHTED JILL HIS TROTH VII HOW DAPHNE LOST HER BEDFELLOW, AND THE LINE OF LEAST RESISTANCE PROVED IRRESISTIBLE VIII HOW ADÈLE BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF PERFUME WHICH HAD NO SMELL, AND I CUT EULALIE DEAD IX HOW JONAH TOOK OFF HIS COAT, AND BERRY FLIRTED WITH FORTUNE FOR ALL HE WAS WORTH X HOW BERRY SOUGHT COMFORT IN VAIN, AND NOBBY SLEPT UPON A QUEEN'S BED XI HOW BERRY PUT OFF HIS MANHOOD, AND ADÈLE SHOWED A FAIR PAIR OF HEELS XII HOW A TELEGRAM CAME FOR JILL, PIERS DEMANDED HIS SWEETHEART, AND I DROVE AFTER MY WIFE All the characters in this story are imaginary and have no reference to any living person JONAH AND CO CHAPTER I HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRST SERVED "Shall I massage it?" said Berry The suggestion was loudly condemned "Right," replied my brother-in-law "That reduces us to faith-healing On the command 'One,' make your mind a blank—that shouldn't be difficult—realise that the agony you aren't suffering is imaginary, and close both legs One! On the command 'Two'——" "You can go," I said wearily "You can go I'll write to you when I want you Don't bother to leave your address." "But how vulgar," said Berry "How very vulgar." He paused to glance at his watch "Dear me! Half-past ten, and I haven't had my beer yet." He stepped to the door "Should the pain become excruciating, turn upon the stomach and repeat Kipling's 'If.' Should——" My sister and Jill fairly bundled him out of the doorway Sitting by my side upon the bed, Adèle laid her cheek against mine "Is it any better, old chap?" "The pain's practically stopped," said I, "thank Heaven Putting it up's done that But I'm in for a stiff leg, dear I know that Not that that matters really, but it means I can't drive." It was unfortunate that, before I had been upon French soil for half an hour, I should be kicked by a testy cab-horse of whose existence—much less proximity —thanks to the poor lighting of Boulogne, I had been totally unaware I had been kicked upon the same knee in 1916 On that occasion I had gone with a stiff leg for a fortnight It seemed unpleasantly probable that history would wholly repeat itself "I can travel," I continued "I shall be able to walk with a stick, but I shan't be able to drive And, as Jonah can't drive more than one car at a time, Berry'll have to take the other." At my words Daphne started, and Jill gave a little cry "B-but, Boy, he's only had three lessons." "I know, but he'll get through somehow I'll sit by his side It'll shorten my life, of course, but what else can we do? Even if Fitch was here, there's no room for a chauffeur And you'd find towing tedious after the first five hundred miles." With a white forefinger to her lips, my sister regarded me "I know he's a disgrace," she said slowly, "but he's—he's the only husband I've got, Boy, and—he has his points," she concluded softly with the tenderest smile I stretched out a hand and drew her towards me "Isn't he my only brother, darling? Isn't he—Berry? I'll see he comes to no harm." "You really think it's safe?" "Perfectly For one thing, I shall be able to reach the hand-brake rather more easily than he will…." My sister kissed me "I like the sound of that," she said cheerfully It was the fifth day of November, and all six of us were for the Pyrenees A month ago Adèle and I, new-wed, had visited Pau We had found the place good, conceived the idea of spending the winter there, and wired for instructions Within three days we had received four letters The first was from Jill ADÈLE DARLING, How sweet of you both to think of it! We're all simply thrilled Try and get one with a palm-tree and some wistaria We miss you awfully Tell Boy Nobby is splendid and sends his love Oh, and he smells his coat every day Isn't it pathetic P My hair won't go like yours, but I'm going to try again All our love to you and your HUSBAND, JILL Then came Jonah's DEAR BOY, What about tobacco? You might examine the chances of smuggling I'm sending you a hundred cigarettes conspicuously labelled BENGER'S FOOD, to see what happens I suppose the roads are pretty bad What about fishing? Yours, JONAH (I subsequently received a curt communication to the effect that there was a package, addressed to me and purporting to contain "Farine," lying at the local custom-house Adèle was horrified I endeavoured to reassure her, tore up the notice, and cursed my cousin savagely When three days had passed, and I was still at liberty, Adèle plucked up heart, but, for the rest of our visit, upon sight of a gendarme she was apt to become distrait and lose the thread of her discourse.) A letter from Daphne had arrived the next day DEAREST ADÈLE, We're all delighted with the idea I don't think six months would be too long I agree that a villa would be much the best, and we're perfectly content to leave the selection to you You know what room we must have I suppose two bathrooms would be too much to expect About servants: we can bring some, but I think we ought to have a French cook to do the marketing, and perhaps one other to keep her company and help in the kitchen and house Will you see what you can do? Plate and linen, of course, we can bring By the way, Madge Willoughby tells me that last year in France they had some difficulty about coal; so tell Boy to see if he can order some now All this, of course, if you can get a villa Your loving sister, DAPHNE Berry's came last DEAR BROTHER, So we shall ourselves winter this year at Pau? Eh bien! There are, perhaps, worse places At least, the sun will shine Ma foi, to think that upon you depend all the arrangements Tant pis! My suite must face itself south and adjoin the bathroom Otherwise I cannot answer for my health, or, for the matter of that, yours either _Kindly omit from your next letter any reference to the mountains "Impressions of the Pyrenees" by a fool who has been married for less than three weeks not only are valueless, but make my gorge rise—_une élévation très dangereuse Which brings me to your wife How is the shrew? Tell her I have some socks for her to darn on her return It was thoughtful of you to emphasise the fact that the season of green figs, to a surfeit of which I sincerely hope you will succumb, will be over before I reach Pau I am inclined to think that the five hundred cigars George sent you will be over even earlier Besides, I shall at once console and distend myself with foie ... Going out of my door of a morning, I used to meet ducks and geese that were taking the air And horses came home at even, and cows lowed Now the farm is gone, and a garage has taken its room And other changes have come, and others still are coming.. .JONAH AND CO BY DORNFORD YATES WARD, LOCK & CO. , LIMITED LONDON AND MELBOURNE LIBRARY EDITIONS OF "JONAH AND CO. " First Published September 1922 Reprinted 2,000 October 1922... BOOK PRODUCTION WAR ECONOMY STANDARD THE TYPOGRAPHY OF THIS BOOK CONFORMS TO THE AUTHORIZED ECONOMY STANDARD MADE IN ENGLAND Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frome and London To ELM TREE ROAD