Relationships & Well-Being - Psychology’s “Deep Truth” - Important life goal 73% students say they would sacrifice career & education before romance - Important life outcome Deathbed test - relationships & life satisfaction Biological Foundation “Need to belong - fundamental human need - like food & water Evolution & survival Oxytocin - cuddle hormone, hugs, sex, nursing Irony of happiness, pain, & failed relationships Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Defining Close Relationships Many social encounters - Intimate/close relationships matter most Six Characteristics of Close Relationships Knowledge - mutual understanding based on reciprocal selfdisclosure - spiral of disclosure reciprocity Affirmation & rejection Arons - small talk versus intimacy Long-term established - responsiveness not reciprocity important - support Trust - assumption that no harm will be done by others Confidences Express true self, naturalness versus “public guarded self.” Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Defining Close Relationships Caring - genuine concern, monitor & maintain relationship quality Interdependence - intertwining of lives & mutual influence Those who affect us most Tied emotional states Mutuality - sense of “we-ness” & overlapping lives From “I” to “we.” Commitment - intention to stay in relationship through ups & downs Decision & commitment to necessary work Idealized view versus Grumpy Old Men No one is guaranteed - i.e., intimate knowledge & dislike Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Exchange versus Communal Relationships Clark & Mills - as relationships progress they move from exchange to communal Exchange - cost accounting balance sheet, at beginning & formal relations What put in versus get out If ratio fairly equal- satisfied If not -feel falling behind - in debt Reciprocating favors increases liking Communal Developed relations, commitment to long haul Keeping track & reciprocating favors feels creepy Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved On the Lighter Side: What we enjoy the most about our family & friends? Can you like & love without laughter & humor? 50-year-married couples - why? Laugh together frequently Prosocial Teasing Argyle & Henderson - teasing & joking basic rule of friendship Value? Enjoyment Closeness - like you well enough to tease you Detoxifies Paradox - teasing criticizes, yet it compliments, attacks yet makes people feel closer, humiliates, yet expresses affection (Keltner) Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved 2 Sharing What Goes Right Direct effects hypothesis of social support - friends good for us even when not distressed Important to receive supportive responses to good events Gable & Reis - Capitalization - sharing positive event to receive additional benefits Several diary studies - dating & married couples measure & keep track of responses to sharing positive events in your life Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Response of partner critical: Active constructive - is as or more excited than you Passive constructive - tries not to make a big deal out of it Active destructive - points potential down side Passive destructive - doesn’t pay much attention Only active constructive found related to enhanced relationship quality and improved well-being Both teller & receiver increased well-being More people shared with - more improved Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved What is Love? Who knows? Friendship & Romantic Love - intertwined Romantic partners also best friends What are major differences between romantic love & friendship? Emotional intensity & sexual attraction love versus in-love separates relationships Friendships less intense - sex Clarity of rules- Argyle & Henderson Friendship - reasonable, clear Love? All fair in love & war Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Rules of Friendship Across Cultures Argyle & Henderson Being supportive Volunteer help, emotional support, stand up in absence Being trustworthy confidant Keep confidences, trust & confide, public criticism, privacy Being source of enjoyment & humor Make happy, joke & tease, share successes Being tolerant & accepting No jealousy, tolerant of other friends, advice Rules for Romance? If you are following rules probably not in love Exclusivity, spontaneity, whims of passion Too complex & volatile Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved 3 Complexity of Feelings (friendship vs romance) Hard to define love - more complex Love in music & movies - mystery of love in all its forms love for money, love for power, fatal attraction, love conquering all, losing all for love, love & hate Friendship? Exclusivity, loyalty, faithfulness Expectations Love & fulfillment - happiness versus practical matters Friends make us happy - but not expected to Burden of fulfillment expectation Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Varieties of Love Most basic distinction: Passionate or romantic love Strong sexual attraction, infatuation, total absorption, exclusivity, volatile emotions from ecstasy to anguish Strong at beginning Companionate love Slower developing, deep & abiding friendship, calmer, more serene…not hot fire of passion but warm glow of affection & appreciation, spouse becomes best friend & confidant Develops in trenches of life Triangular theory - Sternberg - intimacy, passion, & commitment types of love based on strength/absence of each Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Cultural Context of Love, Marriage, & Divorce 90% of us eventually marry - potential source of happiness But: 1.Since 1960s-70s - 50% divorce rate - marriages no longer last in Western societies Fail at all points not just 7-year-itch More choosing to be single 50% of college students cohabit - “trial” marriages -divorce rate higher (90% separation by years) Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Why Don’t Marriages Last? Increased freedom & decreased constraint Financial independence of women Stigma of divorce - social norms For the sake for the kids Divorce laws - no-fault divorce Cost of & barriers to divorce reduced Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved 2 Love as Exclusive Basis for Marriage Fewer practical reasons - why get married? Answer in love surveys: “If person had all the other qualities you desired would you marry this person if you were not in love?” 1967 - 35% of men & 75% of women said “yes” Today 86% of men & 91% of women say “no” Increasing importance of love across cultures (Western influence?) 10,000 people / 37 cultures (Buss) Love / mutual attraction at top of list for why get married Romance & Divorce Increased emotion expectations - disappointment - wrong person Marriage increasingly depends on the “sweetness of its content.” Passion & romance fade over time Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Fading Romance & Divorce: Evidence Surveys Consistent decline in satisfaction, expressions of affection over to 10 years of marriage (relative to where started) (Not effects of having kids) Longitudinal Studies Huston, et al., PAIR Project (Process of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships - 168 couples married in 1981 Data for first 13 years 35% divorced 20% unhappy with marriage 45% considered themselves happily married Those at greatest risk for divorce had steepest decline in satisfaction - early divorced had highest levels of beginning affection & romance - 33% more affection than those still married Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved 3 Conflict & Satisfaction Surveys - today versus past - more conflict and less satisfaction Unclear…hectic lives, more demands, two careers, finances Or - too high expectations versus what marriage can deliver Basic fact remains: Married happier than non-married Very happy people have happy marriages Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved What People Bring to Relationship Wrong people get married Some people better at relationships than others Build life together - differences emerge Attachment Theory Basic emotional & perhaps unconscious responses & ideas about romance/intimacy shaped by relationship with parents Meeting significant others family? Early Research (Bowlby & Ainsworth) Strange Situation Test: Secure Attachment Style Avoidant Attachment Style Anxious Ambivalent Style Longitudinal studies - secure more socially skilled - longer romances Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Adult Attachment Styles Hazan & Shaver Avoidant “I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often others want to me more intimate that I feel comfortable being.” Secure “I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.” Anxious-Ambivalent “ I find others are reluctant to get as close as I would like I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t stay with me I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Revisions & Basic Dimensions in Attachment Styles Attachment continuous - i.e., degrees & overlapping types Two basic dimensions of anxiety & avoidance: Anxiety = fear of abandonment, rejection, and lack of selfconfidence Avoidance = degree of trust & comfort in being intimate: mistrustful & suspicious or dismissive Four Styles Secure - low on both - 60% of us Preoccupied Attachment - low on avoidance, high on anxiety - low selfesteem Fearful Avoidant - high avoidance & high anxiety - fear of rejection, low self-opinion - others will let you down Dismissing Avoidant - high avoidance, but low anxiety Don’t need relationships (less enjoyment, commitment, & intimacy) Secure attachment - better - but most a mix Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Power of Bad Diary study - 66% of marital satisfaction related to presence/absence of conflict & negative behaviors Much less so to presence/absence of positive behaviors Gottman - “love lab” - behavioral observations in apartment Negative communication Negative reciprocity Demand/withdraw: women demand - men withdraw Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Criticism - frequent Defensiveness - personalize - rehearse/ruminate Stonewalling - silent treatment Contempt - scorn, anger, rejection - role eyes Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Critical Ratio All marriages have conflict Most predictive: Ratio of positive to negative behaviors positive interactions to negative was dividing line between successful & unsuccessful couples Lasting = to Divorced much lower Degree of negative reciprocity tit for tat versus constructive response Relationship enhancing versus Distress maintaining Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Contours of a Happy Marriage Lauer study - Happy couples, 15 yrs or more - asked why their marriage lasted: Two general response categories (friendship & commitment) Friendship Spouse is best friend, confide in, laugh together, share interests & hobbies, fun things, stimulating conversations, agree on values/philosophy of life Few (10%) thought sex kept marriage together (Aron, Norman, et al.) Commitment In it for long haul, sacred, social stability, want to succeed, discuss problems calmly, positive approach to conflict Summary: Lasting marriages built on companionate not romantic love Become spouse’s best friend - got it made Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved One final ingredient Humor - Humor high on list of desirable qualities in a potential mate - 50-yr couples - laughing together why our marriage lasted - Sex fades - laughter endures as continuing source of enjoyment - laugh all the way to grave Humor and the “right” person - Sharing sense of humor & “deeper” compatibility - Humor unique - can’t be faked - less conscious control - Honest pipeline to personality below the belt - People differ in what they find funny Rappoport - racial & ethnic humor - brings tensions and forbidden topics out in open; detoxifies, reduces prejudice Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Humor and a Lasting Marriage Humor cuts through impression formation, politeness, & all disingenuous communication Research Opposites don’t attract - fundamental similarity more important Married couples share a sense of humor Need laughter lab - real spontaneous interactions Friendship, Commitment & Humor Find you to be best buddy friend, like to be with, laughs at all the same things - on way to long-term committed relationship Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved ...Defining Close Relationships Many social encounters - Intimate/close relationships matter most Six Characteristics of Close Relationships Knowledge - mutual understanding... Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Exchange versus Communal Relationships Clark & Mills - as relationships progress they move from exchange to communal Exchange - cost accounting... 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458 All rights reserved Defining Close Relationships Caring - genuine concern, monitor & maintain relationship quality Interdependence