In this part . . . T he renowned Dummies Part of Tens gives you a list of “overcorrections,” mistakes people make when they’re trying to speak or write with extreme formality and not quite managing to follow the rules of grammar. This part also shows you the worst, avoid-at-all-cost, common errors that can sink your writing faster than a torpedo from a nuclear sub. No exercises here — just the best tips for improving your English. Read on. 34_599321 pt6.qxp 4/3/06 8:54 PM Page 268 Chapter 21 Ten Overcorrections In This Chapter ᮣ Avoiding overly formal or incorrect English ᮣ Putting a stop to unnecessary changes E nglish teachers recognize a certain tone of voice that comes into play the minute people learn that they’re talking to a grammarian. All of a sudden the eyes glaze over, the chin lifts, and the grammar/style portion of the brain goes into overdrive. Who becomes whom for no reason at all. Verb tenses tangle up, and had is suddenly as common as shoul- der pads at an ’80s party. Sadly, what I call “overcorrection” is as bad an error as whatever mistake it’s designed to avoid. If you want to identify these grammar and style potholes so that you can steer around them, read on. Substituting “Whom” for “Who” True, some uneducated people never utter the word whom, even when it’s needed in a sen- tence. But throwing whom into every situation isn’t a good idea either. Sentences requiring whom are actually quite rare. In fact, you need whom only when the sentence calls for an object of some sort. (Check out Chapter 10 for more information on who and whom.) Objects receive the action of the verb, as in Whom did you call? In this sentence, whom receives the action of the verb did call. (You, in case you were wondering, is the subject.) The problem with whom is that when it does show up, it’s often in a sentence containing other thoughts, so you have to sort out the various threads. One common error: Whom shall I say is calling? Sounds nice, right? But it’s wrong. Untangling shows you why: I shall say whom is calling. Whom is calling? Nope. Who is calling. Inserting Unnecessary “Had’s” As a helping verb, had is very good (hangs out in all the best clubs, does community service without a court order, and so on). But it shouldn’t be overused. Had places an action in the past before another action in the past, as in this sentence: Archie had already shaved when the aerosol can exploded. On a timeline, the shaving precedes the exploding, and both pre- cede the present moment. Bingo. The shaving part of the sentence gets the had. The over- correction comes when people sprinkle had’s all over, without rhyme or reason: Archie had already shaved when the aerosol can had exploded. 30_599321 ch21.qxp 4/3/06 11:24 PM Page 269 Throwing in “Have” at Random Another helping verb, have, shows up where it has no business, I suspect because it makes the sentence sound more complicated and therefore somehow more “advanced.” Like last year’s style at a fashionable club, an unnecessary have stands out, but not in a good way. The have error I hear the most is Nice to have met you. Oh really? The have places the meeting in the past, before another, present action. So nice to have met you implies some sort of deadline, as in nice to have met you before our wedding or nice to have met you before it was time for me to clip your toenails. The better expression is nice to meet you (now, in the present, as we talk). Sending “I” to Do a “Me” Job Me sounds childlike, doesn’t it? It conjures up memories of “Me Tarzan!” and similar state- ments. But I isn’t the personal pronoun for every sentence. I is a subject pronoun, so it belongs in a subject spot — or after a linking verb — and nowhere else. An error that pops up frequently is I as the object of a preposition: between you and I or except you and I. Penalty box! The correct phrases are between you and me and except you and me. Speaking or Writing Passively The government, in my humble opinion, is to blame for this particular overcorrection. Official forms tend to throw passive verbs all over the place, perhaps because passive voice allows the writer to omit the subject — the doer, and therefore the one responsible — for the action. How much safer it must feel to write the taxes were tripled yesterday rather than I tripled your taxes yesterday; now please vote for me. But passive voice comes across as stilted. Unless you need it (perhaps because you truly don’t know who did the action or because the subject isn’t the point of the sentence), opt for active voice. Making Sentence Structure Too Complicated Hey, I can handle complications. I live in New York, where buying an apartment involves a two- or three-inch pile of official forms, each of which must be signed in triplicate. But com- plicated sentences (which abound in the pile of forms I just mentioned) don’t make your writing look more mature. They just make your writing awkward. Stay away from sentences like It was this treaty that ended the war and substitute This treaty ended the war. Run from That which he discovered yesterday is the invention which will make his fortune and toward The invention he discovered yesterday will make his fortune. Letting Descriptions Dangle Description is good, especially when you’re agreeing to a blind date with someone you’ve never met. (Think of the sentence Howie is pleasantly plump, in which pleasantly plump tells you something important about Howie.) Descriptions containing verb forms are good too, because they give you even more information: Howie, howling at the moon as he does every 270 Part VI: The Part of Tens 30_599321 ch21.qxp 4/3/06 11:24 PM Page 270 evening, is happy to double date. The description howling at the moon as he does every evening is certainly an eye-opener, giving you a lot of information about Howie. Descriptions in the beginning of a sentence are especially good, because they vary the usual, boring sen- tence pattern: Running with his friend Wolfie, Howie often stays out all night. The description running with his friend Wolfie tells you something about Howie that you probably should know. But — and this is a big but — don’t overuse the introductory description, or you’ll simply create a new, but immediately boring, sentence pattern. Also, be sure that the introductory description applies to the subject — the first person mentioned in the sentence. If not, you have a dangler, a truly big no-no. Becoming Allergic to “They” and “Their” For some writers, the pronouns they and their seem to be radioactive. Because many writ- ers make the mistake of pairing the plural their with something singular (say, a person or everybody), overcorrectors do the opposite. Even when a plural is justified, these writers send in he or she and similar phrases. Bad idea! Plurals (the guys, three grapefruits, both, several, a few, and so on) match with other plurals (they and their). So don’t write The kids blew off his or her homework and blamed the dog. Instead, keep the plurals together: The kids blew off their homework and blamed the dog. Being Semi-Attached to Semicolons Semicolons (the dot on top of the comma) link two complete sentences. They also separate items in a list, when at least one of the listed items contains a comma already. But that’s it for the semicolon. It isn’t a fancy comma or a weak colon. It’s a semicolon and proud to be one. (National Semicolon Day is next week.) Why am I talking about semicolons? Because too many people throw them around like dog treats at a kennel. Don’t; throw them around. Oops. I mean Don’t throw them around. Not Knowing When Enough Is Enough I’m a writing teacher, and as much as anyone else in the field, I’m guilty of asking for more, more, and did I mention I want to see more detail? So when some poor kid hands me a paper about an apple, I’m there with my red pen (teachers’ revenge color), writing What color is the apple? How many seeds does it have? In the real world, however, I’m not particu- larly interested in reading 15 sentences about an apple when all I want to know is who threw it at my head when I was returning graded essays. The cure for underexplaining isn’t over- explaining. The best path is to provide interesting and relevant details and nothing more. And if your readers wander around wondering how many seeds were in that apple, that’s their problem. 271 Chapter 21: Ten Overcorrections 30_599321 ch21.qxp 4/3/06 11:24 PM Page 271 272 Part VI: The Part of Tens 30_599321 ch21.qxp 4/3/06 11:24 PM Page 272 Chapter 22 Ten Errors to Avoid at All Cost In This Chapter ᮣ Mistakes that ruin your writing ᮣ Relying too heavily on computers W hat did you forget? Your lunch? A parachute? I ask these questions to point out that some mistakes are worse than others. If the plane is going down, I personally am willing to forgo the peanut butter and jelly, but not that handy little life-saving device. Your writing can crash also, especially if you err in a few specific ways. Ten ways, actually, which I explain here. Everyone makes mistakes, but this chapter shows you how to avoid the big ones. Writing Incomplete Sentences Unless, of course, you want to make a style point. I pause to acknowledge that the preceding sentence is incomplete. That’s my attempt at irony and also my way of pointing out that sometimes breaking the rules is a good thing. In a forest of complete sentences, an occa- sional incomplete statement calls attention to an important point. However, a forest of incomplete sentences is not a style; it’s just poor English and calls into question whether you know how to fashion a complete sentence. That’s a bad impression to give your reader. Be sure that each of your sentences has a subject-verb pair, an endmark, and a complete thought. (For more information on complete sentences, take a look at Chapter 4.) Letting Sentences Run On and On A run-on sentence is actually two or more sentences stuck together without any legal “glue” — a word such as and or a semicolon. The worst form of run-on is what grammarians call a comma splice, in which a comma attempts (and fails) to attach one complete sentence to another. Be especially careful with words that resemble legal joiners (consequently, how- ever, therefore, nevertheless, and so forth). Use them for the meaning, but not for glue. (Chapter 4 explains run-ons in greater detail.) Forgetting to Capitalize “I” Nothing screams louder than a sentence like Do you realize that i am yours forever? I’m not even going to discuss i M yours 4ever. If you write this way, fine. I wish you a happy life. Ditto if you put a little circle on top of the i instead of a dot. You and I will have to agree to go our separate ways. But even if you don’t go that far, you risk alienating the reader by breaking so basic a rule. The personal pronoun I is always capped. Period. 31_599321 ch22.qxp 4/3/06 11:24 PM Page 273 . here — just the best tips for improving your English. Read on. 34_599321 pt6.qxp 4/3/06 8: 54 PM Page 2 68 Chapter 21 Ten Overcorrections In This Chapter ᮣ Avoiding overly formal or incorrect English ᮣ. no reason at all. Verb tenses tangle up, and had is suddenly as common as shoul- der pads at an 80 s party. Sadly, what I call “overcorrection” is as bad an error as whatever mistake it’s designed