nothing amusing about Nick Charles quaffing martinis—swallowing them at breakfast, at lunch, at dinner; between, before, and after every meal—in the Thin Man movies ("Come on, dear, let's get something to eat," Nick says "I'm thirsty.") In one of these films, Nora jokes that her husband is a dipsomaniac He is Many people were charmed by the 2005 movie Sideways, about a wine enthusiast, but I was repulsed To me, it was the story of a wretched alcoholic There are functioning alcoholics just as there are functioning addicts, at least functioning until they don't Maybe the only difference between them and winos and drugged-out bums on the street is some money—enough for rent, utilities, a meal, and the next drink Some people maintain that designating addiction as a brain disease rather than a behavioral disorder gives addicts, whether they are using alcohol, crack, heroin, meth, or prescription drugs, an excuse to relapse Alan I Leshner, former director of NIDA who is now the chief executive officer of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, agrees that addicts should not be let off the hook "The danger in calling addiction a brain disease is people think that makes you a hapless victim," wrote Dr Leshner in Issues in Science and Technology in 2001 "But it doesn't For one thing, since it begins with a voluntary behavior, you do, in effect, give it to yourself." Dr Volkow disagrees "If we say a person has heart disease, are we eliminating their responsibility? No We're having them exercise We want them to eat less, stop smoking The fact that they have a disease recognizes that there are changes, in this case, in the brain Just like any other disease, you have to participate in your own treatment and recovery What about people with high cholesterol who keep eating French fries? Do we say a disease is not biological because it's influenced by behavior? No one starts out hoping to become an addict; they just like drugs No one starts out hoping for a heart attack; they just like fried chicken How much energy and anger do we want to waste on the fact that people gave it to themselves? It can be a brain disease and you can have given it to yourself and you personally have to do something about treating it." I try not to blame Nic I don't Sometimes I do 16 On this sunny June morning, though he promised Jasper and Daisy, Nic is not in the audience at their step-up ceremony The head of their school, in a camel-colored sports jacket and bright necktie, has a warm smile, eyes that betray his boundless affection for his charges, and a voice that soothes He beams along with the children and their parents Standing behind a microphone, he conducts the ceremony, calling them grade by grade At his instruction, they stand and then move en masse from the step they're sitting on to the next higher row Jasper, in a collared white shirt, his brown hair combed down on his forehead, radiates up there among his friends He is now a third grader The headmaster says: "Will this year's first graders please stand." They do And then he says: "Will next year's second graders please step up." Now it's Daisy's grade's turn "Will this year's kindergarten class please stand." Daisy, in a soft blue dress with smocking—the dress was Nancy's when she was a little girl—rises along with her classmates "Will next year's first-grade class please step up." There is thunderous applause and foot stomping This is the school's tradition Daisy and the other kindergarteners, when they step up to first grade, are greeted by a deafening roar It's a poignant moment when the bottom tier is empty except for the kindergarten teachers, who are alone, anticipating a fresh group of five-year-olds who will arrive in the fall Inside me there is a searing void The contradiction between the innocence of the children up there and my absent son is almost too much to contain inside one brain at one time After the step-up ceremony come speeches and the commencement of the eighth graders, who will begin high school in the fall I am not the only parent with tears, but I cannot help thinking that mine are unique I watch Jasper and Daisy dressed up—Jasper in the white oxford with its itchy collar, Daisy in her grandmother's dress, white socks, and Mary Janes—standing with their classmates, immaculate, nervous, and excited, and I remember Nic shining, too, standing tall, his life ahead of him Where can he be? Outside, the sky is streaked with smears of blue, but the sign that the storm has passed—and that summer is coming—does not lift my mood I am in the kitchen boiling water for tea The phone rings My anxious reaction is recognizable Who else would call this early in the morning? It must be Nic And yet as I reach for the telephone, I tell myself, "No, it's not Nic," so as to ward off the bitter disappointment when it isn't It isn't "It's Sylvia Robertson," a woman says, her voice chirpy "I'm Jonathan's mother I'm the team mom for the Angry Tuna." Jasper's swim team mom asks if we can work at the snack bar at next weekend's meet "Of course We'd be happy to." I begin to hang up "Go Angry Tuna," she says gaily "Go Angry Tuna." The kitchen is still Along with china and teacups and glassware, a photograph dominates the open shelves over the sink In the snapshot, we are on a boat on a lake somewhere My father, wearing sunglasses and a fisherman's hat, waves and smiles Daisy, on Karen's lap, is a baby Her face is hidden underneath a wide-brimmed sun hat The boys are in the foreground, smiling at the camera Jasper, who just got a haircut so that his brown bangs rim his eager face, and Nic, with a short buzz and gleaming braces My boys The picture has a stamp on the back, 10 12 '96, which puts Nic at fourteen Where is he? Meanwhile, over the hill, at Karen's parents' canyonside home, Don has just emerged from his lair and he settles into his regular sunny corner of the living room Wearing old boat shoes and a threadbare T-shirt and shorts, he sits in a rattan chair reading about Admiral Lord Nelson Nancy is busy down the winding pathway in her garden when it dawns on her that the wash is probably done Her ... In the snapshot, we are on a boat on a lake somewhere My father, wearing sunglasses and a fisherman's hat, waves and smiles Daisy, on Karen's lap, is a baby Her face is hidden underneath a wide-brimmed sun hat... How much energy and anger do we want to waste on the fact that people gave it to themselves? It can be a brain disease and you can have given it to yourself and you personally have to do something about treating it."... Her face is hidden underneath a wide-brimmed sun hat The boys are in the foreground, smiling at the camera Jasper, who just got a haircut so that his brown bangs rim his eager face, and Nic, with a short buzz and gleaming braces My boys