JULY The evenings were the hardest to bear The ritual of the hot drink, the lumps of sugar for the two dogs, the saying of prayers—his boyhood habit carried on throughout our married life—the good night kiss I continued the ritual, because this too lessened pain, and was, in its very poignancy, a consolation —DAPHNE DU MAURIER Rituals—of a formal or informal nature—carry us through some of our most difficult times For one thing, they help us know what to or say They supply us with a form into which we can pour our inchoate energy and grief—the comfort of the customary If they are rituals we have shared with the one we love, they have even more power, bringing the presence of the loved one close in the echoes and gestures of things we have done and said together And if they are rituals—like the saying of prayers—which have been shared historically by families and by communities of faith—why, then it is as though a whole legion of people gathered around us to support us in our loneliness and sorrow But, most importantly, there is the presence of the one with whom we have most intimately shared these rituals We are, indeed, “going through the motions,” but they are holy motions As I repeat some of the patterns of our life together, I can almost sense the presence of my loved one JULY The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude —WASHINGTON IRVING Perhaps we are affronted by this suggestion—a sort of blame-the-victim parry that makes it seem we are exploiting our grief, clinging to it when we could consider it finished and done Are there benefits to us in grieving? Consider: We get a lot of attention and sympathy from friends Grief can be an excuse—to ourselves and others—not to continue with responsibilities we’d as soon be without Grief—here’s the tough one—can make us feel we have stayed close to the one we loved After all, the loved one’s dying was our last connection, and why wouldn’t we want to hold on? Sympathy from friends is wonderful and we need it But try a grief support group They know our need, and will help us know if we’re clinging to grief for attention’s sake Yes, we want to stay close to the one we’ve lost, but it’s the person we need to hold in our minds Dwelling on the loss can get in the way of our doing that My hope is found in my love, not in the degree of my grieving JULY When we start at the center of ourselves, we discover something worthwhile extending toward the periphery of the circle We find again some of the joy in the now, some of the peace in the here, some of the love in me and thee which go to make up the kingdom of heaven on earth —G F SEAR Our thoughts are so much with the one who is gone We brood about the person, remember times together, think about the meaning of death Suppose, for a time, we lay all that aside and return to living in our own skin—breathing deeply, trying to get a sense of our own center Not only does this return us to ourselves, it helps us see more clearly the context in which we live Yes, there are chunks of our lives that are lonely, bereaved But if we look out on life from our own center, we see there are other aspects on which our sorrow doesn’t impinge as heavily The air we breathe isn’t filtered through our sadness The children playing in the field exude an authentic joy that can be catching This takes self-discipline The temptation is always to be sucked back into grief, but it may help us to “try on” a view of the world in which grief is one part, but not all I have some control over how much I let sadness rule my life JULY For we have shared many griefs, but they are translated into pure love and rejoicing when we meet —MAY SARTON What makes our hearts rise with joy when we meet again people with whom we have shared a sorrow? We have all heard of the guilt of the survivor—the person who wonders why he or she has been spared when someone else has perished Perhaps there’s such a thing, after some time for healing has passed, as the joy of the survivor—not in any gloating or triumphant way, but in simple acknowledgment that, having come through severe testing and anguish, one is alive and has been able to modulate that grief into a life that is productive and to a large degree joyful We have passed through fire and not been destroyed We have, in fact, been reborn Because when our loved one died, something in us died, too—some expectation or hope of a future together And out of the ashes of that destroyed dream we have been lifted into new life And when we find someone for whom this is also true—especially if that is someone with whom we have shared grief in the past—why, of course we are filled with love and rejoicing! What else? In the fellowship of those reborn out of grief, all are sisters and brothers JULY In desperate hope I go and search for her in all the corners of my house I find her not My house is small and what once has gone from it can never be regained But infinite is thy mansion, my lord, and seeking her I have come to thy door —RABINDRANATH TAGORE In the course of our life we go to the places we have been with our loved one—and at each place feel afresh the pang of our loss I remember after my daughter died that I would often measure the degree of my courage or despair by how far open I left the door to her room Almost closed meant a very bad day—I could scarcely bear to see her familiar setting As the months wore on, I was able to leave the door farther open, and then, of course, to let it stand fully open against the wall I am bemused now thinking about it, but at the time, there was nothing bemusing about it I was acting out a desperate struggle not to be overcome But those places we come upon, or avoid, are not home to our loved ones anymore Searching for them, we come to the door of the Unknown, which we can enter only in fantasy Can we trust that within, One who knows better than we is caring for them? In the universe we share, I trust that my loved one is safe ... he or she has been spared when someone else has perished Perhaps there’s such a thing, after some time for healing has passed, as the joy of the survivor—not in any gloating or triumphant way,... the places we have been with our loved one—and at each place feel afresh the pang of our loss I remember after my daughter died that I would often measure the degree of my courage or despair by... be without Grief—here’s the tough one—can make us feel we have stayed close to the one we loved After all, the loved one’s dying was our last connection, and why wouldn’t we want to hold on? Sympathy