DECEMBER 16 “You will embark,” he said, “on a fair sea, and at times there will be fair weather, but not always You will meet storms and overcome them You will take it in turns to steer your boat through fair weather and foul Never lose courage Safe harbour awaits you both in the end.” —DAPHNE DU MAURIER The relationship described here is a long and happy marriage, but it could be any long-term relationship between those who love each other And what more could we hope for, looking back over the vagaries, the “fair weather and foul,” through which any long and intense relationship goes, than this recognition that we have met storms and not been overcome, and that safe harbor awaits us both at the end? Seldom two people who love each other reach harbor at the same time One gets there first In our case, in this relationship, we will arrive second And it is not too much to hope that this one we loved—and other loved ones who have gone before us—will be present at the harbor, waiting to welcome us home With confidence in the stars that guide me and the waves that carry me, I move toward that harbor where my loved ones wait DECEMBER 17 The supreme value is not the future but the present —OCTAVIO PAZ The present is bad enough when we are hit with fresh grief But we compound our sorrow by spinning our minds out over all the years and occasions of the future when we will so sorely miss the presence of our loved one A certain amount of this is not only inevitable, but helpful—a kind of rehearsal for what lies ahead, and a way of getting used to our loss by thinking of all its ramifications But after a while we need to remind ourselves that life is lived one day at a time, and that this day, this present moment, is all we have, all we can be sure of Sir William Osler speaks of living our lives in “day-tight compartments”—as a ship’s captain, with the touch of a button, shuts off parts of that ship into watertight compartments It is we who control the buttons of our own preoccupations and concerns, and we will much better if we focus most of our attention on the moments and hours of the day that is before us I will try to contend graciously and productively with this day DECEMBER 18 Therefore it is not God’s will that when we feel pain we should pursue it in sorrow and mourning over it, but that suddenly we should pass it over, and preserve ourselves in the endless delight which is God —JULIAN OF NORWICH Easier said than done, right? Sometimes we may feel, on some level, that if we relinquish our grieving, the work of grieving will be neglected, our loved one honored less than he or she deserves, our own grief somehow not given enough weight But maybe, at least for a time, we can step back from our grief and in a way “trust the universe” to take care of it If creation is one, then no grief—as no joy—is lost We need to grieve, but our loved one does not need that from us Nor does God need for us, in our small corner of the universe, to restore the balance of the world by matching our grief to the degree of our loss Think of the phrase in traditional folk religion: “Give it over”—hand it to God By so doing, lighten your burden, confident that God knows better than we what to with all that—probably has already done it If we can put our trust in God, then, after our grieving, we can return to life with confidence and joy DECEMBER 19 What is there to when people die—people so dear and rare—but bring them back by remembering? —MAY SARTON One of the truly helpful customs of recent years is that of providing an occasion—in the context of a memorial service or in some other specified setting—where mourners are encouraged to share memories of the one who has died There will be tears There may be laughter There will certainly be a sense of richness as the person is remembered, his or her nature and history celebrated This process will go on and on—at gatherings of family and friends, at random times when a story comes to mind and is shared This is invariably a lift Even when the stories are not particularly complimentary, they bring back to us the complex and loved personality and life of the one we miss Conversely, one of the saddest mistakes survivors make is, out of their pain, never to speak of the loved one again Such silence, far from diminishing the pain, just causes it to build up and may result in life-pervading bitterness So let’s talk Let’s remember Of course, not every occasion with family and friends is an occasion for recalling But we are more apt to err on the side of silence I know that talking about a loved one is good medicine! DECEMBER 20 When I say “I fear”—don’t let it disturb you, dearest heart We all fear when we are in waiting rooms Yet we must pass beyond them…All this sounds very strenuous and serious But now that I have wrestled with it, it’s no longer so I feel happy—deep down All is well —KATHERINE MANSFIELD Katherine Mansfield was writing to her husband It was her own imminent death, and her own fear, she was writing about We who mourn our loved ones are, in a sense, left in the waiting room, not knowing what it is like to pass beyond But if we see that the one who is about to pass through has lost all fear, and has confidence, after a long struggle, that all is well—surely that diminishes our fear, too And raises our hope for what lies on the other side of the door when we shall be summoned into the mystery After the struggle and the fear…comes peace ... kind of rehearsal for what lies ahead, and a way of getting used to our loss by thinking of all its ramifications But after a while we need to remind ourselves that life is lived one day at a... confidence, after a long struggle, that all is well—surely that diminishes our fear, too And raises our hope for what lies on the other side of the door when we shall be summoned into the mystery After. .. than we what to with all that—probably has already done it If we can put our trust in God, then, after our grieving, we can return to life with confidence and joy DECEMBER 19 What is there to